Relationship check-in questions

70 questions in seven themes, five at a time. Answer them together on one screen or apart with a link, then see both answers side by side.

Emotional attunement

Who's answering?

Names are optional.

One question a day, on both your phones

Daily Sync in Phorb opens a new question each day, and your partner's answer unlocks once you've written yours.

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Answers stay in your browser, and in the link if you send one. We don't store them.

A five-minute check-in

  1. 1

    Pick one question

    On a busy day, one is enough. Choose the theme that fits your mood tonight.

  2. 2

    Take turns

    One of you answers while the other listens without fixing it. Say back one thing you heard, then swap.

  3. 3

    End with something small

    Name one thing for tomorrow: a text at lunch, a quiet evening, a ride to the station.

Make it easy to say yes

  • Pick a calm moment

    The walk after dinner or Sunday breakfast works better than the middle of date night.

  • Offer a choice

    “Do you want comfort, help, or just someone to listen?” saves a lot of unwanted advice.

  • “Not tonight” is a fine answer

    Skip anything that feels too personal and come back to it another day.

  • If it's hard to hear, ask first

    Thank your partner, ask one question before you give your side, and take a 20-minute break if you're flooded.

All 70 questions

Emotional attunement

In a 42-day diary study of 96 married couples, days when partners opened up and felt understood felt more intimate.

  1. What's an emotion you've been feeling a lot lately, and how can your partner support you with it?
  2. What is one thing about your current mood or energy that would be helpful for your partner to know?
  3. What is something you are carrying right now that feels heavier than it looks?
  4. What kind of support helps you feel most cared for when you are overwhelmed?
  5. What stress have you been holding recently that your partner might not have noticed yet?
  6. What emotional need feels most important to you right now?
  7. What kind of comfort did you wish for recently that you didn't ask for?
  8. What do you most want your partner to understand about how you've been feeling?
  9. What feeling of yours needs a little more space or discussion right now?
  10. What do you need right now to feel emotionally understood by your partner?
Appreciation and recognition

Days when one partner felt grateful were followed by more connection and satisfaction the next day.

  1. What is something your partner did recently that made your day easier or lighter?
  2. What is a quality in your partner that you really appreciate right now?
  3. What is a tiny gesture your partner did recently that meant a lot to you?
  4. What is a moment recently that made you feel really proud of your partner?
  5. What part of your partner's character has been a big help to the relationship lately?
  6. What is something your partner tried to do for you recently, even if it wasn't perfect?
  7. What did your partner do recently that made you feel chosen or important?
  8. What's a daily moment together that deserves more appreciation?
  9. What did your partner notice about you recently that made you feel seen?
  10. What is a recent way your partner supported you that you want to remember?
Stress and support

Across 72 samples and 17,856 people, coping with stress as a pair was strongly tied to relationship satisfaction (r = .45).

  1. What stress signal of yours would you like your partner to notice sooner?
  2. What is a specific way your partner can support you when you are stressed?
  3. What part of your daily load has been less visible than it feels inside?
  4. What's a simple, practical chore that would make your next few hours easier?
  5. What emotional reassurance helps you feel supported during a busy week?
  6. What helps you decompress together rather than recovering alone?
  7. What is one task or plan that you simply do not have energy for right now?
  8. What's a tiny recovery ritual you can share when life feels too busy?
  9. What simple reassurance helps you stay connected when life is busy?
  10. What's a form of care that feels supportive without adding any demand?
Playful connection

Couples who spent 7 minutes on a new, exciting task together reported a bigger rise in relationship quality.

  1. What's a small, funny moment together that always makes you smile?
  2. What inside joke or silly phrase feels most like yours right now?
  3. What is one simple, new activity you'd love to try together?
  4. Where could you two use a little more silliness or lightness?
  5. What is a random, lighthearted detail about yourself that your partner might not know?
  6. What's a simple mini-adventure you can do together without much planning?
  7. What tiny, playful ritual can you add to an ordinary day?
  8. What's a small preference of yours that your partner could turn into a fun surprise?
  9. What is your easiest way to have fun together when you are tired?
  10. What tiny, daily habit could make an ordinary day feel more special?
Future and shared meaning

Staying curious about each other's hopes and plans keeps what the Gottman Institute calls your Love Maps up to date.

  1. What's a dream or goal for the future that you've been thinking about recently?
  2. What value or habit do you want your relationship to protect more intentionally?
  3. What small ritual or routine would help you two feel more grounded?
  4. What is a personal goal of yours that you'd love your partner to support?
  5. What does this current season of your relationship need more of?
  6. What's a small choice that would help your relationship feel more aligned with your values?
  7. What helps you feel steady and secure about where your relationship is heading?
  8. What's a shared memory that reminds you of what matters most in your relationship?
  9. What repeatable moment of connection would you like to make a regular habit?
  10. What's a simple, everyday future moment you look forward to sharing?
Repair and reconnection

Couples who paused an argument to calm down came back calmer and had a more productive conversation.

  1. When did you last feel some distance between you two, and what do you think caused it?
  2. What helps you feel reconnected fastest after a tense moment?
  3. What could your partner say or do that would soften your guard when you're upset?
  4. What tells you that your partner is trying to repair things, not defend themselves?
  5. What kind of apology or acknowledgment matters most to you after an argument?
  6. When you're upset, do you want your partner to reach out right away or after a break?
  7. What does your partner do that hurts more than they probably realize?
  8. What do you do in an argument that is really you trying to protect yourself?
  9. What small reset has worked for you two after friction, and should you use it more often?
  10. What helps you feel it's the two of you against the problem, not against each other?
Intimacy and desire

Across 93 studies, how well couples talk about sex went with both relationship and sexual satisfaction.

  1. What kind of touch from your partner helps you feel loved?
  2. What kind of everyday affection would you like more of?
  3. What non-sexual moment makes you feel closest to your partner?
  4. What helps you feel safe saying yes, no, or not right now?
  5. How do you like your partner to start closeness?
  6. When do you feel most open to intimacy?
  7. What gets in the way of feeling close, even when you want to?
  8. What words from your partner make you feel wanted in a way that feels good?
  9. What helps you feel cared for after a vulnerable moment?
  10. What affectionate memory of the two of you still feels warm?

Questions about check-ins

What is a relationship check-in?

A short, planned conversation where each partner answers an honest question about how things are going: how the day felt, what's stressful, what you appreciate, what you need. A daily one takes about five minutes.

How often should couples check in?

Whatever you'll keep doing. One question a day works for many couples because it's small. Others prefer a longer talk once a week. If daily feels like homework, try three evenings a week.

How long should a relationship check-in take?

Five minutes for a daily question, up to half an hour for a weekly one. Stop while you both still have energy, and agree on when you'll come back to anything bigger.

Do couples need check-ins if things are going well?

They're easier then. Small things come up while they're still small, and you keep up with how your partner's plans and worries are changing.

What if my partner doesn't want to do check-ins?

Don't announce a new ritual. Ask one light question at dinner from the playful or appreciation theme, answer it yourself first, and let your partner pick the next one.

Can long-distance couples use these questions?

Yes. Answer five questions here and send your partner the link. They answer the same five wherever they are, and then you both see the answers side by side.

Where are our answers stored?

Nowhere on our side. Your answers live in your browser and inside the link you send; the part of a link after # never reaches our server. Anyone with the link can read them, so send it only to your partner.

Are these the same questions as Daily Sync in Phorb?

They come from seven of Daily Sync's nine categories. In the app, each category has 30 questions and a new one opens each day.

Sources

  1. Laurenceau, J.-P., Barrett, L. F., & Rovine, M. J. (2005). The interpersonal process model of intimacy in marriage: A daily-diary and multilevel modeling approach. Journal of Family Psychology, 19(2), 314–323.
  2. Reis, H. T., & Gable, S. L. (2015). Responsiveness. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 67–71.
  3. Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It's the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 217–233.
  4. Falconier, M. K., Jackson, J. B., Hilpert, P., & Bodenmann, G. (2015). Dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 42, 28–46.
  5. Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.
  6. Mallory, A. B. (2022). Dimensions of couples' sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(3), 358–371.
  7. Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.
  8. The Gottman Institute. How to build Love Maps.
  9. The Gottman Institute. The Four Horsemen: The antidotes.

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