Questions to ask your boyfriend

48 questions in six moods, one at a time. Each one comes with a follow-up to ask once he answers.

Light and fun1 of 48

What's a food you'd defend even though everyone else thinks it's gross?

Then ask: When did you first try it?

How to ask so he wants to answer

  1. 1

    Pick an easy moment

    A drive, a walk or cooking together works better than sitting face to face. Side by side feels less like an interview.

  2. 2

    Answer it too

    Give your own answer, before or after his. When only one person answers, it starts to feel like a quiz.

  3. 3

    Ask the follow-up

    People who ask follow-up questions are liked more by the person they talk to (Huang and colleagues, 2017). One follow-up is enough.

Small things that help

  • One or two is plenty

    One question a night is enough to make it a habit. Twenty at once starts to feel like a test.

  • Let him pass

    If a question doesn't land, skip it and pick another. Nobody owes an answer on the spot.

  • Go deep sooner

    You'll probably expect a deep talk to feel more awkward than it does (Kardas, Kumar and Epley, 2022).

  • Apart tonight? Text it

    Send one question and ask for a voice note back. You hear more in his voice than in a typed reply.

  • Cheer the good news

    When he shares good news, react with excitement and ask about it. Gable and colleagues (2004) linked that kind of reply to happier relationships.

  • Ask again in a year

    His answer may change. The Gottman Institute calls keeping up with those changes updating your Love Maps.

All 48 questions

Light and fun
  1. What's a food you'd defend even though everyone else thinks it's gross?Then ask: When did you first try it?
  2. What's the most useless skill you're secretly proud of?Then ask: Can you show me?
  3. Which song would play every time you walked into a room?Then ask: Why that one?
  4. What's a rabbit hole you went down recently?Then ask: What's the strangest thing you learned?
  5. What's a hill you'd die on that doesn't matter at all?Then ask: Has anyone ever changed your mind on it?
  6. If you could be very good at one hobby overnight, which would you pick?Then ask: What's stopping you from starting it slowly?
  7. Which fictional character do you think you're most like?Then ask: And which one am I like?
  8. If we had a free Saturday and no budget, how would you spend the morning?Then ask: And what would we do after lunch?
Better than "how was your day"
  1. What was the best part of your day, even if it was small?Then ask: What made it good?
  2. Did anything happen today that made you laugh?Then ask: Who was there?
  3. What took more energy today than it should have?Then ask: Do you want ideas, or do you just want to vent?
  4. How did that thing you were worried about go?Then ask: How do you feel about it now?
  5. Is anything on your mind that you haven't said out loud yet?Then ask: Would talking help, or would a distraction help more?
  6. What's one thing I could take off your plate this week?Then ask: What would you do with the time?
  7. What are you looking forward to this week?Then ask: Can I be part of it?
  8. What's the most interesting thing you read or heard today?Then ask: Where did you find it?
His story
  1. What were you obsessed with when you were ten?Then ask: Do you still have any of it?
  2. Who was the adult you looked up to most as a kid?Then ask: What did they teach you without meaning to?
  3. What's a happy memory you go back to when you need it?Then ask: What do you remember most: the place, the people or the feeling?
  4. What did your family do on a normal Sunday?Then ask: What would you keep from that, and what would you change?
  5. What's something that scared you that you're glad you did anyway?Then ask: What made you go through with it?
  6. Which friend from your past do you still think about?Then ask: What would you say to them now?
  7. What did you want to be when you grew up?Then ask: Is any part of that still in what you do?
  8. What's a mistake that taught you more than a win ever did?Then ask: How long did it take you to see it that way?
About us
  1. What's a small moment with me you still remember, that I might have forgotten?Then ask: Why did it stick?
  2. When do you feel most like a team with me?Then ask: How could we have more of those moments?
  3. Which small thing I do makes your day better?Then ask: Should I do it more often?
  4. What's a habit of ours you'd like to keep forever?Then ask: And one you'd happily drop?
  5. Which of our dates would you repeat exactly the same way?Then ask: What made it work?
  6. What do you think we're better at now than when we started?Then ask: What helped us get there?
  7. Is there something you'd like us to try together that you haven't mentioned yet?Then ask: What stopped you from bringing it up?
  8. What's our funniest story to tell other people?Then ask: Who tells it better, you or me?
Deep
  1. What's something you believe now that you didn't believe five years ago?Then ask: What changed your mind?
  2. What makes you proud of yourself when nobody else sees it?Then ask: When did that last happen?
  3. What's a fear you've never really said out loud?Then ask: Is there anything that makes it smaller?
  4. What does a good life look like to you, apart from work and money?Then ask: How close to it are you now?
  5. What do you wish people understood about you without you having to explain it?Then ask: Do you think I get it?
  6. What's the hardest thing you've ever forgiven?Then ask: How did you know you'd forgiven it?
  7. Who do you go to when something is really wrong?Then ask: What do they do that helps?
  8. What's a question you wish someone asked you more often?Then ask: So what's the answer?
The future
  1. Where would you live if work didn't decide it?Then ask: What would a normal day look like there?
  2. What's something you want to learn in the next year?Then ask: How can I help you stick with it?
  3. What does a perfect ordinary weekend look like for us in five years?Then ask: Which part could we start now?
  4. Which trip do you want us to take while we still can?Then ask: What would we need to plan first?
  5. What would you like the people close to you to know you for?Then ask: Who already sees you that way?
  6. Which tradition would you like us to start?Then ask: When could we do it for the first time?
  7. How do you picture us on a random Tuesday when we're seventy?Then ask: Who's doing the cooking?
  8. What's one thing you'd like to stop worrying about someday?Then ask: What would have to change for that?

Before you ask

What are good questions to ask your boyfriend?

Open questions he can't answer with yes or no: about his day, his past, the two of you and your plans. Start light, save the deep ones for a calm moment, and ask one follow-up about whatever he says.

What are deep questions to ask your boyfriend?

Questions about beliefs, fears and what a good life means to him, such as "What's something you believe now that you didn't believe five years ago?" The Deep set here has eight, each with a follow-up.

How many questions should we do at once?

One or two. In Arthur Aron's 1997 closeness study, pairs got through 36 questions in 45 minutes, so even one question with a follow-up gives you plenty to talk about.

What if he gives short answers?

Ask the follow-up, then share your own answer. Many people talk more while doing something else, like walking or cooking. If he isn't in the mood, try another night.

Is there an app with daily questions for couples?

Phorb has Daily Sync: one question a day from a category you pick, answered by both of you. Your partner's answer stays hidden until you've written yours. Phorb is free to download on iPhone and runs in 10 languages.

Sources

  1. Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452.
  2. Kardas, M., Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2022). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3), 367–398.
  3. Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.
  4. Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245.
  5. The Gottman Institute. How to build Love Maps.

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