Questions to ask your girlfriend

48 questions for a relationship past the first dates, in six moods, one at a time. Each card has a follow-up for after she answers.

Light and fun1 of 48

Which snack would you hide from me if we were snowed in?

Then ask: Where would you hide it?

How to ask so she feels heard

  1. 1

    Check the timing first

    Ask "Is now okay, or later?" before a heavy question. She may need quiet after a long day.

  2. 2

    Listen before you solve

    Ask whether she wants ideas or just someone to hear it. Then do that one.

  3. 3

    Do something with the answer

    If she says the week is heavy, take one job off her list without being asked.

Small things that help

  • Spot it before she has to

    In 70 interviews with members of 35 couples, parents of young kids, Daminger (2019) found women did more of the household's mental work, above all anticipating what's needed. Notice one need before she does.

  • Say it to her face

    One woman on r/AskWomen wished her partner would tell her to her face what he tells his friends about her. Tell her first.

  • Put the phone down

    Reviewing the research, Itzchakov, Reis and Weinstein (2021) tie feeling understood by a partner to high-quality listening. Ask one more thing before you answer.

  • Let her skip one

    "Not now" is a full answer. Leave that question alone and pick a lighter one another day.

  • Write the answers down

    The Gottman Institute calls what you know about your partner's world a Love Map. Your notes app can hold her coffee order and that big deadline.

  • Go gently with the deep set

    In Aron's 1997 study, pairs moved from small talk to deeper questions over 45 minutes. Start with a light card and let the talk get there.

All 48 questions

Light and fun
  1. Which snack would you hide from me if we were snowed in?Then ask: Where would you hide it?
  2. What's a compliment you got years ago that you still think about?Then ask: Who said it?
  3. Which of your friends would survive longest in a horror movie?Then ask: And how long would I last?
  4. What's the pettiest reason you've stopped liking someone?Then ask: Do you regret it even a little?
  5. What song do you skip every time and still won't delete?Then ask: What's it attached to?
  6. What's your most convincing fake excuse for leaving a party?Then ask: Have you ever used it on me?
  7. What's something you're weirdly competitive about?Then ask: Who's your biggest rival at it?
  8. If you had to pick one signature outfit for the rest of your life, what would it be?Then ask: What would I have to wear next to you?
Better than "you okay?"
  1. What's on your plate this week that I probably can't see?Then ask: Which part could I take over completely?
  2. What's one decision I could make for us this week so you don't have to?Then ask: Should I just pick, or give you two options?
  3. What do you need in the first twenty minutes after you get home?Then ask: How can I tell when you need quiet?
  4. What's been taking up the most room in your head lately?Then ask: Should I help, or just listen?
  5. Who drained you this week, and who filled you back up?Then ask: What did they do?
  6. When did you feel most like yourself this week?Then ask: What was different about that moment?
  7. What's something you did this week that nobody noticed?Then ask: What would you have liked me to notice?
  8. What would make tonight easier?Then ask: Should I do that now?
Her story
  1. What did your room look like when you were fifteen?Then ask: What was on the walls?
  2. Who taught you how to stand up for yourself?Then ask: Who taught you the opposite?
  3. What's the first thing you remember being really good at?Then ask: Who noticed?
  4. What did the women in your family teach you about love?Then ask: Which of those do you want to pass on?
  5. Which version of you do you miss a little?Then ask: What did she have that you'd like back?
  6. What's a friendship that changed who you are?Then ask: What did you take from it?
  7. When did you first feel like an adult?Then ask: Did it feel good?
  8. What's something you were embarrassed about as a teenager that you love now?Then ask: When did that flip?
About us
  1. What's something you do for us that I've probably never thanked you for?Then ask: How should I thank you?
  2. When did you first feel you could fully relax around me?Then ask: What did I do?
  3. How can you tell I'm in a bad mood before I say anything?Then ask: What does it do to your mood?
  4. What's a small bit of affection you'd like from me, just because?Then ask: When would you want it most?
  5. What do I say about you to other people that you wish I'd say to you?Then ask: Can I say it now?
  6. When we disagree, what helps you come back to me?Then ask: What makes it take longer?
  7. What's a plan you'd like me to make without you having to ask?Then ask: What details should I get right?
  8. When you're upset, what's the difference between what you want from me and what I usually do?Then ask: What should I try next time?
Deep
  1. Which part of you do you feel you have to hide or shrink around most people?Then ask: Do you do that with me?
  2. What are you tired of being strong about?Then ask: What could you put down for a while?
  3. What do people assume about you that isn't true?Then ask: Have I assumed it too?
  4. When do you feel most alone, even around people?Then ask: What helps in those moments?
  5. What do you need to hear more than you'd ever ask for?Then ask: How would you like to hear it?
  6. What's something you've forgiven yourself for, or are still trying to?Then ask: What's still in the way?
  7. What are you afraid you'll turn into?Then ask: What would keep that from happening?
  8. What do you want that feels a little too big to say out loud?Then ask: What's the first small step?
The future
  1. What does a good year look like for you, separate from us?Then ask: How can I make room for it?
  2. What's something you want to try before you feel ready?Then ask: What would ready even look like?
  3. Which friendships do you want to still have in ten years?Then ask: What would keep them going?
  4. How do you want us to split the invisible stuff if life gets busier?Then ask: What should we change now?
  5. What do you want our home to feel like when someone walks in?Then ask: What's one thing we could do this month?
  6. Where do you want your work to be in five years?Then ask: What do you need from me to get there?
  7. What would you regret not doing with me?Then ask: Can we put a date on it?
  8. What should we promise each other for the hard years?Then ask: What's one you'd start today?

Before you ask

What are good questions to ask your girlfriend?

Questions about her actual week, her past and the two of you, the kind that need more than one word. "What's on your plate that I can't see?" tells you more than "How was your day?", and the follow-up tells you what to do about it.

What are deep questions to ask your girlfriend?

Questions about what she hides, what she's tired of carrying and what she wants, such as "What are you tired of being strong about?" The Deep set has eight, each with a follow-up.

Are these good for a first date?

Most of them assume you already know each other. The Fun set works early on. Save About us and Deep until you've been together for a while.

What if she doesn't feel like talking?

Take her at her word for now and try a smaller question later, such as "What would make tonight easier?"

Is there an app with daily questions for couples?

Phorb has Daily Sync: one question a day from a category you pick, answered by both of you. Her answer stays hidden until you've written yours. Phorb is free to download on iPhone and runs in 10 languages.

Sources

  1. Daminger, A. (2019). The cognitive dimension of household labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633.
  2. Itzchakov, G., Reis, H. T., & Weinstein, N. (2021). How to foster perceived partner responsiveness: High-quality listening is key. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 16(1), e12648.
  3. Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.
  4. The Gottman Institute. The Sound Relationship House: Build Love Maps.
  5. r/AskWomen. What do you wish you could communicate to your partner and just have them immediately understand?

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